OK, for the last two years, I've heard scores of steers and queers blowing their loads over this musical, Avenue Q. I had some time tonight, so I decided to break in to the theater and see it (because I'm bad-ass). I had to wrestle this fat woman for her seat, but everyone around me seemed grateful.

Then it started.

Then it ended.

Then I stabbed the lead actor with a spork.

So, I'm sure you've figured out my verdict by now: it wasn't too bad. But I have two huge gripes with this movie (or play, whatever the hell these things are).

First, it idolizes charity. Not charity to an oil tycoon or a Nigerian prince (how is that guy doing? I worry about him), but charity to hobos. BUMS! The characters literally said that, once you give everything you have, you feel a lot better. "The more you give, the more you get." What kind of crap is that? And all of the characters involved are poor themselves, so they're throwing away the last bits of cash they have! Wake up, people! Donating your money or buying meals for some starving whackjob will get you nowhere! At the most, you'll feel kinda good until you get home and realize you could have spent that money on a new TV.

But the writers didn't stop there. No, they went one step further and took cheap shots at Gary Coleman for two hours straight. Gary Coleman is an American hero and an almost-Governor. He also happens to be a freakin' genius, in case you haven't seen The Kid with the 200 IQ. He deserves our respect and admiration.

That's not the real problem, though. The real disgrace here is that Gary Coleman is played by a woman! Feminists and the affirmative action crowd have gotten so out of hand that we are now rewinding back to the time of Shakespeare, but instead of having men play female characters, women are now playing men! Hairspray was a positive step for us, but it's not nearly enough to stop these people! If we don't act soon, everyone on Broadway will either be a woman or gay! That won't bring about good art. Science has proven that.

OK, I think I'm done. For those wondering, my trip has been productive so far. My flights weren't too bad, though I sat next to this rich cowboy from Houston-New York who would not shut up about this investment of his in some tropical island. I had to turn my MP3 player up to 11 to drown out his noise.

More news as it develops!

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