I am compelled, by the immeasurable forces of the universe, to account for my personal absence on the date of September 10th, 2007. The significance of the day is obvious to all (or else we slaughtered all those parrots in the promo shots for nothing).

As I have mentioned previously, I have recently relocated my lair-LOL I have a lair!!1!1-to New York. That's New York City, not New York State. I am now in a small apartment with all the amenities any boy could ever want, except for all the cool ones, including the intranet.

Much to my chagrin, when Verizon wants to come service your home, they give you a window of 8:00AM-7:30PM. I assume that's all in the same day, but I wouldn't be surprised if they mean 8AM-7:30PM January 3rd. AND they don't do weekends.

So if you're not convinced that TCOTY admirers are persecuted, think again! The only weekday I am free right now are Mondays, and what day did Sept 10 decide to land on this year? Could it merely be a coincidence, or is the more likely explanation that the entirety of Western society, dating back to the Romans, has conspired against us via a careful and thorough formulation of a calendar designed to culminate with this past Monday being a Monday??? I've already exposed the fraud behind leap years, which I now assume must have been employed as a calibration device to make up for Julius Caesar's retarded math skills (in all fairness to him, you can only get so far without a Chinese friend nearby). It's a FACT that, if 2004 didn't have a leap day, September 10 would have been on Sunday! I wouldn't be surprised if the precession of the equinoxes is a lie to foil our Septemberfest plans in 9074.

Hate the Jews all you want, but their calendar never would've screwed me over like this. They'd at least have the chutzpah to be open with all this dreck, even for an old momzer like myself.

Verizon is clearly in on this conspiracy as well, because they didn't even bother doing their job. I sat all day in my little closet with no air conditioning, watching the first season of Battlestar Galactica (you're welcome) on my Mac (I'm sorry), expecting the day to end with an explosive release of bandwith directly into the bowels of my young and inexperienced modem. But that joy never came, as neither the Verizon handyman nor the pizza boy showed up. I spent over an hour trying to figure out how things could go so wrong, but not one hard-working Indian could help me out. They at least kept me entertained during the call. It's kinda hard not to laugh when you have to spend ten minutes on hold while Darpana transfers you to Navaneet down the hall, amirite?

But fear not, my friends. As the day was winding down and the world was approaching just another ordinary day, I came across something that made me believe, for a fraction of a second, that God exists and is a Citizen. On Broadway sat a BUM cradling a boombox, playing Celebrate. I F-bombing kid you not. I knew then that I had to forget about my personal trauma and embrace the power and wonder that is Septemberfest. I considered giving the bum some change, but that would not have been the TCOTY way. Instead I spent the bag of quarters nestled in my pocket to feast on bread rolls and water the rest of the night. I only wish I could have shared it with all of you.

So that’s MY excuse. I don’t know what these other schmucks have to say for themselves. Dragoon and KG were supposed to annex the Caquetá province of Colombia in the name of Mr. Balser, so I'm interested to see how that went. But remember that Septemberfest doesn’t end on September 10! It lasts all month long! September 10 is merely the last day of fasting and repentance; now it’s time to over-indulge at an obscene level.

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