A Brief History of Uncle Artemis

R. Artemis Rutherford has personally set foot on all eight and a half continents, explored all nine of the major jungles of the world and sailed at least sixty-five of the eleventy seas. He is a man of incredible bravery and outstanding character, having never recoiled from any challenge nor fallen to any earthly temptation. The raising of his nephews into honorable men is one of his highest priorities, and hopes that by setting a good example he can encourage them to follow his lead.




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Arrival at Tarachi
Posted by "Intrepid Explorer" Uncle Artemis on August 24, 2007 at 8:52 pm
Dear Nephews,

Today my ship arrived at the coastal city of Tarachi. Upon disembarking, I was greeted immediately by a man-child named Drogher, who is to serve as my orderly on this expedition. His service was pre-arranged by my old colleague Dr. Finneas who, I'm sure you boys remember, served as my partner on the Drambui expedition. Drogher was holding a sign marked "R. Artemis Rutherferd," which was a close enough approximation to my name to know that he was looking for me. Luckily I won't be paying him to write, but merely to carry my belongings, translate, find food and water, assemble my tent, kill insects, and to stand between me and any charging rhinoceri, ferocious lionesses, or lusty God-less native women!

Drogher led me to a hotel where a room had been reserved for me by Dr. Finneas. It is comfortable enough and the stable in the back will provide a suitable resting place for the man-child while I take stock of my belongings and prepare for my journey. The inn-keeper is a shifty-eyed fellow who I do not trust, but as long as he keeps at a safe distance and fluffs my pillows properly he'll receive his full asking price for the room and a little extra on top! Always treat the working class fairly, my dear Nephews, regardless of their appearance, and always make sure to reward them for exceptional service. Otherwise the two-class system may fail. But I digress.

After settling into my room, I instructed Drogher to organize my belongings and to take the evening off. I then set out to explore the local drinkeries, parlors, and ale houses. As I left, the man-child set to his work with all the dedicated enthusiasm of a drone preparing to inseminate the queen, singing a happy little man-tune and busily organizing my gear.

I first visited a dark and noisy room filled with the most savage music you've ever heard. A throbbing drum-beat culled directly from the dark Africane natives pulsed while a man spoke with a strange accent about guns, women, and gold. Clearly Satan himself had a hand in composing these un-Christian melodies, as impure thoughts began forming in my mind almost immediately. Inappropriately attired native women were gyrating in all manners and one went so far as to thrust her fundament into my loins and oscillate like a lop-sided wagon wheel. Disgraceful! I left at once.

Next I visited a drinking establishment operated by a tall albino named William. The house ale was passable and a raucous game of three-handed ground-hog was in progress in the corner. It is so called because the "third hand" and the "ground-hog" are one in the same, if you get my meaning! I played a few hands and won a fist full of coins from these lads who had never seen a ground-hog move quite like my own. Ha ha, Nephews, your uncle is still as wily as the fox who sets out to have his chickens and eat them too. Unfortunately there was a bad sport in the bunch who couldn't take his losing like a man, so I sorted him out with a quick chop to the jugular and a strong backhand across the testes. The albino grabbed him by the ears and I gave his shins a thrashing he'll not soon forget!

Drogher is now sound asleep in the stable out back and he's done a fine job of organizing my gear, although being uneducated he's managed to store the grappling hooks near the dried fruit and not near the long-socks where they belong. It's of little concern, however, as he has a strong back, an eager will, and I believe he shall learn fast. One certainly can't expect a perfect performance from a man-child on his first day!
Be careful in your own travels, Nephews, and remember to always act in a manner befitting a Rutherford!


Your Uncle,

R. Artemis Rutherford

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