Blue Raspberry Wine
Why Were You Outside Of Church?
You Were Delicious

Summer is winding down, and now I am feeling the call of nature to find myself a girlfriend. This is quite challenging , since it is almost impossible to find girls who have my exquisite taste and my intellect in the Washington DC area and Ashley is ignoring my advances. But find one I must, so I set out yesterday and looked through the wonderful social networking tool that is Facebook for available women.
They gave their number so I called them up, they acted like their [cat] don't interrupt.

NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT.
FIRST CANDIDATE:
Me: Hey, this is Daniel, from School?
Girl 1: Oh hi!! Hows your summer going?
Me: It's Fine, and how's yours?
Girl 1: Really really good!
Me: Look, I was wondering if we could go out and get lunch sometime.
Girl 1: Look...
Me: Maybe this weekend?
Girl 1: I would, but I have a Pottery Class Retreat this weekend.
Me: What about Tuesday? I can do Tuesday!!
Girl 1: Goodbye.
*click*
Me: WHAT THE HELL DAMN GIRL.

Girl 1 rejected my romantic proposition, and it filled my body with an unspeakable foreboding of some presence in my self, but I was not a man easily dissuaded by failure. I called up Girl Number 2.

Girl 2: Hello, who is this?
Me: Hey, this is Daniel, you know, from Gym class?
Girl 2: Hey, whats up?
Me: I was wondering if we could go see Underdog tonight? Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly gave it a B-!!
Girl 2: I got a doctors appointment tonight.
Me: What, at 9 o'clock at night?
Girl 2: Yeah....
Me: Oh well,how about tom-*click*
Me: Fine, bitch. YOU DON'T DESERVE UNDERDOG!!

Failure again, sank down into my heart. I was surrounded by the foul odor of fish, a odor that seemed to rise from every corner of my gods-forsaken room. I sprayed some AXE around and resumed my search.

Me: Hey, you wanna go out tonight?
Girl 3: Who is this?!
Me: Oh, sorry, its Daniel, from School.
Girl 3: Not really... I'm dating someone else right now.
Me: What if I sing you an Elton John song? It'd worked in that movie with the midget and the windmill!
Girl 3: No... please don't...
Me: It's a little bit funny this feeling inside!!!
Girl 3: Goodbye. *click*
Me:.... *sobs*

Girl 3 set me off into a spiral of desperation. The fishy odor was back, and I knew that if I did not succeed with Girl Number 4, the odor would envelop me completely into a mist of fishy depression and loneliness. I needed someone in my life. Ooh baby, I did. I called Girl Number 4, slowly losing grip on my sanity. I prayed it would last for the duration of the phone call.

Unfortunately, it didn't.

Girl 4: Hello? Hello?
Me: Ph'nglui mglw'nath Cthulhu R'lyeh wghlagh'nghhhl fhtagn!!!!
Girl: Whatever, weirdo.
*click*

Sadly, I put down the receiver, sobbing into my pillow, I resolved to never leave my room again. Then I went downstairs to eat a quart of Ben + Jerry's Ice Cream.
As I stared at nothing, eating the ice cream, I accidentally knocked it over. It read: PHISH FOOD.

DUH DUH DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!